The end of CM, new beginnings

 Maybe I was just a passing Orb in the sky

A nightingale Angel to feed you soulful dreams

A whimsical dancer pirouetting on your hardwood floors

Yet you were a man of steel, iron, and 18 wheelers

your son was filled up by corn husks as you

watered down the cattle trailer

a backyard full of idle Chevys

collecting memories like ashes of your dad's oil spills

You were a trophy husband

with a gutted out bed of rusty rock gardens

and a wife who left you due to neglect

I couldn't find your inner crutches

or your engine-beating heart

a man of simple words

with limited vision

I paralyzed your flip phone

with NSA hackings

Your two finger touch could not reach the golden age

Now you lay immune to women in your four cornered upholstered bed

Your Trump flag blocking the sunlight

Meeting a stranger was fun

Until I found out you had a Stepford wife track of 

Rush Limbaugh implanted in your brain

Your hate for America was bigger than Sara Palin's love for it

and someone blew out the window of your Ford Ranger

due to your Trumper bumper affinities

Ignorance met vengeance on Highway 63

There was no affection worth saving.

Colorado Mike

 I guess I am the phony now.  On the days I don't talk to him, I resent him and the unfinished business, his inability to perceive a conciliatory communication, the position he always maintains which is general shallowness.  The days I speak to him by text or phone, I still get a igniting surge, like this was once the warm love that kept my fire going daily.  Now he is just a caricature, an inarticulate frozen picture of unmet wants and needs, of fixed thought patterns that have no intellectual backing, a cut out cardboard Ken doll with no finese or swagger.  He was good looking.  That was it.  He had a rigid personality, non intelligent perceptions about politics.  He gravitated to a quasi victim mentality himself by comparing himself as the working class vs. the non working welfare class.  Have you ever raised a child on $500 a month, bro?  And did you ever mingle with the poorer element of society or better yet, did you offer them a hand?  Even your trophy wife left you for your ingratitude and inability for you to show affection.  You always took the easy way out.  You always went to work at 5 a.m. instead of dealing with the issues.  He can still do that til the end of time but never gain anything.   He will end up empty handed.  On one hand, he answers all my tests and is respectful when he responds.  On the other hand, he is a deceiving, non truthful liar who I can't even generate real feelings anymore because he is plagued by his limitations.  I am posting the worse pic of him, here.  I tried my best but now I am just sick of the overall effort of loving someone.   Sianara.  Go back to your shallow fish pond.  Yes, Jane, this is healthy anger.  A place to share my pain.

Give it time

 Colorado Mike and I had a long discussion today.  We are not abandoning the whole situation and I feel like we still belong in each others lives.  We are very familiar with each other after 26 months and all the work we did to get to this place would seem wrong to throw it all away.  I don't love him so much in the romantic way but in a married way.  We support each other but he is pretty much a rigid type person.  My previous relationship was more fluid -- I like men who can actually feel things and express their feelings.  Some people are not capable.  They are able to in some ways but not in the most important ways.

Having a long distance relationship 900 miles apart is somewhat of a convenience.   Its easy to cling to the best aspects of a person and only remember their good influences.  I was with someone less intelligent with me and I could offer him advice about things I know a lot about -- choices for his diabetes, his lack of computer knowledge and better business choices.  However, it is also easy to forget their negative traits.  He has many and that's why I can't really be with someone who doesn't have a broad based knowledge of Christianity and is following a Christian path.

I left my primary job in late October and worked 4 jobs from Nov 10 to Feb 10.  One only lasted a month during that time.  Now that I am down to 3 part time jobs, life is a lot easier because I don't have to obsess about making money.  It gave me time to reflect on what direction my life should go when my son left for boot camp.  I got to go to Colorado for 4 days in early Feb.  Things are pretty much set now until July 3 when I fly to Georgia for my son's army graduation.  I have quit gambling and I am seeking healing in all areas of my life apart from the material world.  I am focusing on the spiritual aspect of life that prepares me for entering the kingdom.  Eternal life are for those who want to be fully immersed in God's kingdom, influence and knowledge.  If our eyes are on the ball, the transformation will take place.

Unglued Parts; Simply inadequate

I have just re-read 2 letters I sent to Colorado Mike.   One was July 5th and one was August 30th.  There is another website tracking our outcome as a pseudo friendship/couple.  It is a private group on Social Media.  I sure put a lot of effort into someone who is so different than me on many levels.  He also prides himself in being true to his word but as time evolves I have discovered more and more deceptive qualities about him.   Not necessarily intentional, but obvious.

On one hand, he was very attentive to me on an every day basis up until our last major argument which was Aug 29.  We made up on Tuesday, Sept 8th and things seemed fine.  It turned out, based on our phone call today, he had leftover resentment over something I did which was totally innocent.  But it caused him anger.

Well, now the harsh letter I sent to his home address which I never thought he would get ended up in his appropriate P.O. Box.  I did bring up the fact that my hunches are correct that he grew up in an alcoholic family based solely on his unique bouts of anger.  Getting mad over things he has no business getting mad at and then minimizing things I get mad at which are major.  

In a relationship, temperment is a big deal.  I need someone easy going and goes with the flow.  I don't do well with rigid people.  Not only is CM rigid, his general world view and political opinions are quite rigid.  I have learned that people who are not educated past 12th grade and have no college often lack critical thinnking skills.  This is not true for everyone because there are h.s. dropouts that have gone on to be geniuses.  CM has a very black/white, right vs. wrong view of the world which is unbending.  I went to the Mike Pence rally on his behalf.  I was able to write and get an opinion piece published about it in the Duluth News Tribune.    See link. 

https://www.duluthnewstribune.com/opinion/columns/6651357-Local-View-Pence-visit-an-odd-moment-to-an-outsider

Right now, it just seems like I am bitching but I was hoping something good would come out of this recent confrontation with him.  You have to understand, I can be critical and demanding, it is in my nature.  But if people like myself want to live an idealistic, high reaching life, they have to strive for betterment with their significant other: better communication, better understanding, mutual respect.  

I am tired now on the second leg of a 24 hour shift.  Netflix sounds "better" than re-hasing this bullshit.

My most recent liaison January 9, 2019 to August 29, 2020

A few weeks ago, I sat down on a Saturday morning and wrote one of the most real letters of my life to Michael in Colorado.  It was a position piece on abortion and single parenthood.  The person I had been dating is very narrow minded in many ways, and thinks abortion is simply wrong - outright - even though he has never been a woman or possibly in a situation in which he had to make a hard choice to keep or end or a life which might be contingent on a partner or an abandoned partner.  I met a woman in Pizza man who had 7 kids by the age of 23 and had custody of none.  Her whole life was a battery of bad choices and she had not fully come out of it.  It appeared to me she lived in the moment as she kept borrowing $5, $10 and more money from her middle aged neighbor who was some kind of father figure.  She told me she lost her 7th child to the sytem because her boyfriend was abusive and the County did not trust him in the child's life.  I didn't know the full story but I observed her and she kept checking her phone every 3 min as she continued on.

Things have been solid with CM but I raised the stakes Saturday by asking him a question.  He is a very consistent boy friend (undefined relationship), showers me with attention, answers quickly, rarely lets me down.  But he does have an aura of anger that is like a well, when his anger springs up - he becomes pretty ugly.  He is very narrow minded and sometimes wants me to instantly agree with him but I have managed to open his mind to other points of views and belief systems whether political or religious.   At times, he has gotten me so upset that I just go numb and I have no way out of the pain.  I have tried direct resolution as a tool to fixing things because if I don't conftont him, the feeling inside me gets worse.

I am just going to interject at this point that sometimes he says very non rational concrete political statements that are unbending.  I sometimes go along with the conversation and can't raise objections to every point he makes because he can't handle it.  He makes blanket statements about things being right or wrong and he lives in a world that does not exist.

When I was out there in June, I told him I might drive to Laramie, Wyoming for the day.  He told me to google historic sites (even though he doesn't know how).  He also asked me to google search if the Greeley Stampede was cancelled due to Covid.  the next morning, I text him -- he was at work.  He got mad at me for forgetting exactly which thing I was going to look up.

There were 2 to 3 things he said absently w/o thinking that crushed my soul.  It gave me insight to his entire being.  I don't believe he can ever be successful at true love due to his disposition and outlook.

He has lived in spiritual darkness for many years, in a box he couldn't get out of.  His debt was high and he thought by solving it was to work 7 days a week, about 11-13 hours a day.  And that's just fine because I do the same thing.  He wanted me to pierce my nipple but why would I do that in my late 50s for a guy I only see once or twice a year?  Mentally he is about 13, intellectually about 25 and really, the only thing I ever liked about him was his looks.  He was kind and consistent but that may have only been a security blanket for him, not me.  Now we have both lost each other due to doubts, for now.

The passion that drives women and men over the Cliff.

He created Dante's Inferno, he drew up that substance in me like a bubbly cavernous lava that tore out my insides.  His steel blue eyes catching the light from the sky drew up a sensation in me, the kind that caused a smoky glaze across the windows of his beat up Ford.  I could feel his strong limbs and firmament against my breasts in the truck and the way he forced himself on me like molten rock in a sandy desert.  His heavy breathing and the pressure on my body, the tightness one feels as he grazes his skin on me and rips my clothes off in necessity.  Those moments cannot be forgotten or recreated.  It is like the whole universe had capitualated in that moment for him to love me this way.  The firmament of heavens opened up and yellow and white bled through like a midnight sun in the middle of Sweden.  I could feel his blessing and his carnal curse as he pushed his fleshy torch into my ovaries that had laid dormant for quite some time.  It was in this moment I held onto him, like a prairie wife in gingham and touched the edges of his cheekbones that carved out such a beautiful face that spilled out destiny upon my shoulders.

Every day things change on the horizon with Mike and I.  I talked to him briefly today by text.  He is friendly and nice but unaware.  I've explained myself over and over.  Being with him is as hard as the separation.  Next week I begin dating again.  If I would have postponed the trip, would things have been different?  My plan B was to go to Reno to see Don and his wife.  Don got in a near fatal car accident while I was in Colorado.  I didn't pick up the phone the night she called.  I told C. Mike I could call him back anytime.  He was airlifted to a hospital.  He broke 3 ribs, injured his kidney and broke a wrist, totalling the van.  He had surgery.  He is now quietly recovering at home, not really sure his actions were unintentional.  His lease on life has extendd, but for how long?  I sent C.M. a cool Goodnight GIF.  Can he see my true love through the sliding stars?

Mike of Colorado

He wanted a wife before he called her by name
He wanted a friend before he knew how to be one
The 8 year gap of dumping his wife
did he dump her or did she dump him?
He was stuck in the 70s, the decade of his youth
Watching Dukes of Hazard
admiring boobs
Emotional delay 
making truck models
that didn't look like Pamela Anderson 
or a Russian wife in a bottle
Regressive mullet, flip phone and bad taste
girly posters decorated the place
He flipped the channel to a 50s comedy
while he tried to gesture one ounce of sincerity

He got angry about everything
even the tumbleweed
his life made no sense
and his profits became greed
He couldn't manage his life
or learn the internet
there was no high speed in the 70s
so he stayed with the corded phone
No wife to greet him at the end of the day
just a tank of diesel and hideaway bed
Now he's wondering hard
about every woman he met
and why they left him before he read
their last text
he's out in the cold on Hwy 73
AAA won't save him or even his son
He's got so much junk
his yard is a junkyard bin
of collected memories
he should have melted for tin

He talks to random women he will never meet
He has an optical addiction to lust and need
Stuck in a farm job
nowhere to turn
And he still can't decipher what led him into sin

His ex wife's down in Littleton with his 
delicate daughter
they live in the 21st Century 
and he forgot why he ought to
pay his debt to society
find his way in the world
he just goes to work
and thinks everything's normal.

The Reality of the Matter

God blessed me this week financially when I really needed it, due to my car repair.  I have $400 liquid cash and I am not fixing my car til July 18.  It is still operable, so I hope it lasts.  I have a windfall of $1000 next week to catch up on other bills.

I have been toying with the idea of the inadequacies of my former boyfriend who I officially dumped on the 4th of July, partly by text, partly by letter (2).  There comes a point when the rubber meets the road and the rubber ascends into my consciousness every night.  I could never be with Mike from Colorado.  He is part never fully grown up.  He owns 17 vehicles and is acquiring more as I speak.  I saw impulsivity in his behavior I did not see on the last trip.  He bought his daughter some kind of 4 wheeler and gave her a truck at age 16.  That's cool.  It's just that working so hard, his life revolves around maintaining vehicles for his business.  Anyhoo, we are still friends and that is like sitting in lukewarm water.  I wish I had the strength to cut him out of my life completely.  I really don't know if that will be possible completely because we are still attached to each other.  I don't want to know if or who he is dating. I love him in a maternal sense, knowing what is best for him but emotionally - he is sensitive but he can't express it.  He can't handle any emotional conflict.  He is relentless of his routine, eating potato chips at night and watching the Three Fucking Stooges.  I think I was one of the stooges in the living room who succumbed to this.

I have a date with a poet in a day or two and another guy with super long hair.  LOL.  Going from Red country to post modern hippie.  It's so refreshing to know that there are other men out there and I don't have to suffer dating a redneck anymore.

Journal for Today REVISED

I have had a lot of trials in the last 8 days.  I arrived in MSP airport on a lovely day, July 1.  My friend Tori picked me up and drove me to White Bear Lake where my car was being fixed.  (It had been in the repair shop 5 days).  It cost $600 to repair a fuel pump and fuel filter.  Ouch.  I still had 500 hidden at home luckily.  Money issues can be a strain.  My son pays me 2 bills a month and I really don't charge him rent but this month I charged him $100.  

One thing I have learned in the last week is that most people, you have to accept them for where they are at.  Colorado Mike has issues with heat and he can't stand it when it's over 75 degrees.  I think something is wrong with his air conditioner and he didn't have it on when I was there.  We both worked together to problem solve certain issues.  I helped him with his cattle hauling business.  He bought a $93,000 cattle trailer that his son uses to haul cattle.  Every time Cattle are transported, they have to clean the trailer thoroughly so the poop, piss and other cattle dung is gone.  

I had a relatively good trip and decided to keep Mike on certain provisions but it is more like a standby relationship as we only see each other 2x a year.  I will go back in January when it gets cold.  We have become close and decided not to end it over issues we can ultimately work out.

I ran into my ex boyfriend at the liquor store.  He has the same summer outfit on that I picked him up in the car in early June, 2019.  He was generally rude, not wanting to risk coming out of his alcoholic bubble to gesture a human sound.  I am good in the hood.  He is ruled by fear.  I told his gf later exactly what I thought.  There was no moment of truth for someone I wasted 13 months on.  He will die a meaningless death, his organs will fail, he is determined to die an untimely death due to the fact that he never worked through his issues. I worked with his ex brother in law, Gene, who said he was abusive to his wife, Tammy on Christmas Day one year.  He called her a cunt and bitch in front of all the relatives then kicked everyone out of the house.  Go Mike, even on holidays, you can't put up with relatives.  You are dead to everyone and anyone who gave you a piece of their heart regrets it now.  Unredeemable.

Satisfaction and what people strive for

Sometimes the smallest thing can throw somebody off.  My son is still struggling to find his place after he quit McDonalds.  It's hard deciding what I should do to assist him vs. helping too much.  We worked things out though in our afternoon conversation.

My concept of being too loyal to certain people, even my son can take it's toll.  Sometimes I have to step back and allow people to be loyal to themselves and offer less.

I kind of had a setback today.  I engaged in some of the actions/behaviors I might have done 2-3 months ago, knowing fully it would not provide me with the right kind of satisfaction.

It's not about trying to re-grasp what was lost but exploring a sense of curiosity.  A person who once meant a lot to me is now gone.  I know he is not the kind of person who likes to do things outside of his routine but once in a while, I want to reach out and be reminded of the good times.  I remember the feeling of my feet on his blue fuzzy carpet, the way he made me feel before and after lovemaking, the certain kind of freedom I experienced around him.  Things became complicated when I challenged his honesty and found out the truth.  It's nothing I need to rehash or look for detailed answers.  It's just of piece of history that was stripped away from too much confrontation and 3 people figuring out what they wanted.  No matter how good my intentions were, it was not good enough.  I don't belittle myself for this, but sometimes I know I tried to hard.  Either way, I want to state objectively, that I have no strong desire to demand or ask anything from this person.  Each person should act in free will according to their needs and desire for closure.

On a more substantial note, I now have someone who texts me every morning and every night and is shrouded with simplicity and honesty.  He has been working 12-15 hour days planting corn on the farm he works at.  I can allow myself to be content in this relationship even though it is temporarily long distance.  I really can't move there or him here until my son gets a job and on his feet.  I must help my son.  July would be the earliest I could move.

I know the bitterness I manifested and held onto from my previous relationship did not serve me.  I didn't know how to process the situation and used the blog for expressing my concerns.  As you can see, I haven't really had time to blog too much and since I am working on my novel which will now cover my entire life, I really have to pick and choose where I spend my energy.

I really did love MM but the lack of resolution and the angst made it impossible to fix.  I think distance from him has served me well.  I understand his pain.  I have worked on finding new sources of happiness for myself and going to Colorado has opened up new doors.  In the long run, it probably will be good for me to relocate out there.  I really liked it there. 

I feel hemmed in weather wise in Twin Ports.  Six months of winter is not my style.  The last winter storm almost ruined my trip.  However, there are parts of Duluth that are interesting and beautiful.  Lake Superior is a force in itself, every changing in appearance, color and gale forces. 

No matter what situation I find myself in now, I strive for peace and contentment.  Love always to those who I cared for and once showed me love, real or not.

James acting reel

I taped this in my North Hollywood apartment.  My former boyfriend spoke 4 languages on her.  It was his acting reel.  Later on, he went to make a movie and co starred in a lot of independent films.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdaMCUePpcc

I am having a good vacation week.  the Lord has blessed me in many ways.  I also discovered more lies by MM.  Why do people lie about what church they attend?  He told me that he used to take his father at least 2x a month to Bayside Baptist in Superior.  It is a complete lie.  Neither pastor has heard of him or his father.  I was a Baptist for 25 plus years in California.  I decided to go back to the Lutheran church when I moved back to the Midwest because they are stronger on social justice issues like helping the poor and oppressed.  Wherever, MM is getting counseling, I hope it's not Cleo on a 800 hotline on TV.  You are full of crap.  Don't be lying about church.

I found a 97.00 ticket to Colorado.  I am going 2x in the next 30 days.  WOOOO HOOOOO.  My new boyfriend gives me no grief at all.  He paid for the first ticket.

Why I am upset with Michael and other stuff

I wake up every day with a good sensation.  I am loved and love others.  I don't hide from people.  I am not a coward.  I work through my issues.  My last conversation with MM he was crying and hyperventilating because he was scared of KK.  She said he created a lot of drama in her life.

I had a setback yesterday but I am strong.   I know I will never have a one on one meeting with a Pastor b/c MM doesn't want to face his actions.   A lot of time has passed now and it is hurting me to inquire about his condition.  I just hope for the love of God he stopped drinking and went to an AA meeting. Please stop drinking.  Your mind is so clouded with lies and bullshit. It is so easy to read someone's blog but facing the people he has offended, frickin impossible.  Impossible!!!  We can only control our own actions and I have to remember that. I asked Michael to meet with a pastor after I discovered the other woman and he would not. I am still suffering the consequences of his cruel behaviour. 

I included a screen shot of Colorado Mike's nice msgs I get every day.  He is kind to me.  I need that.

I have been having stomach problems.  I have to run to the doctor now and I have a job interview for another education job full time.

Peace out.

I am happy today.  I helped my son get $2,300.00 back in taxes.  Yes, because I am that good at taxes and he paid a lot of tuition out of pocket.