Satisfaction and what people strive for

Sometimes the smallest thing can throw somebody off.  My son is still struggling to find his place after he quit McDonalds.  It's hard deciding what I should do to assist him vs. helping too much.  We worked things out though in our afternoon conversation.

My concept of being too loyal to certain people, even my son can take it's toll.  Sometimes I have to step back and allow people to be loyal to themselves and offer less.

I kind of had a setback today.  I engaged in some of the actions/behaviors I might have done 2-3 months ago, knowing fully it would not provide me with the right kind of satisfaction.

It's not about trying to re-grasp what was lost but exploring a sense of curiosity.  A person who once meant a lot to me is now gone.  I know he is not the kind of person who likes to do things outside of his routine but once in a while, I want to reach out and be reminded of the good times.  I remember the feeling of my feet on his blue fuzzy carpet, the way he made me feel before and after lovemaking, the certain kind of freedom I experienced around him.  Things became complicated when I challenged his honesty and found out the truth.  It's nothing I need to rehash or look for detailed answers.  It's just of piece of history that was stripped away from too much confrontation and 3 people figuring out what they wanted.  No matter how good my intentions were, it was not good enough.  I don't belittle myself for this, but sometimes I know I tried to hard.  Either way, I want to state objectively, that I have no strong desire to demand or ask anything from this person.  Each person should act in free will according to their needs and desire for closure.

On a more substantial note, I now have someone who texts me every morning and every night and is shrouded with simplicity and honesty.  He has been working 12-15 hour days planting corn on the farm he works at.  I can allow myself to be content in this relationship even though it is temporarily long distance.  I really can't move there or him here until my son gets a job and on his feet.  I must help my son.  July would be the earliest I could move.

I know the bitterness I manifested and held onto from my previous relationship did not serve me.  I didn't know how to process the situation and used the blog for expressing my concerns.  As you can see, I haven't really had time to blog too much and since I am working on my novel which will now cover my entire life, I really have to pick and choose where I spend my energy.

I really did love MM but the lack of resolution and the angst made it impossible to fix.  I think distance from him has served me well.  I understand his pain.  I have worked on finding new sources of happiness for myself and going to Colorado has opened up new doors.  In the long run, it probably will be good for me to relocate out there.  I really liked it there. 

I feel hemmed in weather wise in Twin Ports.  Six months of winter is not my style.  The last winter storm almost ruined my trip.  However, there are parts of Duluth that are interesting and beautiful.  Lake Superior is a force in itself, every changing in appearance, color and gale forces. 

No matter what situation I find myself in now, I strive for peace and contentment.  Love always to those who I cared for and once showed me love, real or not.