At what degree of sincerity can a person engage in a platonic relationship without completely lying to themselves?  And here are his and my choices:

He probably likes AW for sex better because she is younger and thinner.  She is also a felon and alcoholic.  Maybe dual alcoholism is compatible but I don't see it that way.   Dual alcoholism in a relationship causes distortions in needs.  It also drives each person to become more demanding, fearful and clouded.  Both parties listed have been guilty of that.  There also have been times when disproportionate blame has been placed on me.  I was not the infiltrator.  I was invited into MM's life because he was dissatisfied with his current situation in October, 2018.  In many ways, I am glad I am out of the loop.  I still have grievances listed below.  

 I would think MM would want someone like his mother.

I play the piano, I have 3 college degrees including at Bachelor of Science, teaching license and Masters.  I am prettier but not thinner.  I am older.   I am empathetic to his weaknesses.  When he is not around conflict, he is a nice person.  I am not his gf and I would have a hard time dating an alcoholic but because my father's closet drinking plagued my life.  I would force him to stop drinking or cut down to 2 drinks a day.  I would make him go to church on Sundays a.m. or Sunday nights.  I believe this is the essential to reform.  I would also have him engage in counseling. 

Life isn't about getting your immediate needs met and "hoping" things work out and being temporarily satisfied with a partner.  Life is about serving God and a higher goal.  If a partner supplements that need, then it makes you or I a stronger person.  If our eyes are only focused on our immediate needs then we can never see the big picture?  Does your life/work reflect a higher calling?  Are you serving your fellow man to the best of your ability?  Are you compassionate towards other people?  Do you take in regard their shortcomings as you do yours?  Are you qualified to be a servant of God?

Thoughts

I've been working non stop.  Going back to Colorado in June for a week.  School is taxing.  I work 4.5 hours a day now.  I have to change pullups/diapoers for 5 and 7 year old.  I also have to shower a 60 year old every other day at group home on the weeks I work my 7 day on shifts.  He is paralyzed on one side and he has bathroom issues, too, if you know what I mean.  

I have been thinking a lot but not blogging a lot.  My novel entails my life from age 12 or so to present day so it won't be completed til the summer.  It's a biographical novel and all the names will be changed.

Colorado Mike and I have experienced growth in our relationship.  I will go out there 2x this summer and he will come once.  I don't want to leave Twin Ports until my son is on his feet.   I am pursuing a higher academic job in the Fall.  I want to use my teaching license.

My son got a job now so I don't have to worry so much.  I am keeping up with my bills and life is better.

The only thing that haunts me about MM is the non conclusiveness of the ending.  He expected me to sit on the sidelines until he was tired of Amy and then just sleep with me when either of us was available.  He also did not want me to blog. I told him I could not accept that.  Deeper than that, MM could not see what each individual woman had to offer him.  I was there for him.  I was there when he needed me.  He didn't conceive what I may have needed from him.  I had to keep minimizing my expectations because of his waffling and indecisiveness.  I know in my heart he was truly living for the moment, What he wanted from that day was what he pursued.  He will probably never evolve to a 12 step meeting or AA or look at his behavior.  He wanted a woman accessible for his 24 needs but because he was splitting his time between 2 women - a mother figure, Amy, and a lover (me).  He was juggling whatever situation arose.  I do feel bad that a true person could have helped him perceive certain things about his past that were driving his current behavior but a part of him didn't really care.  I know he personified the victim in each heterosexual relationship he had.  I know Amy did a lot for him including caring and attending to his ex drugee girlfriend.  Amy is gone now, too.  I pray for him.  I am sorry how things got so complicated and painful.  Time may heal us all.

If there is an overt or covert message, it is that people intend to love honestly with the utmost sincerity.  I can say that for myself.  I was attached to MM, I miss him. I am sorry but I feel his emotional bondage prevented him from fully giving and receiving love at face value.  I don't know if loving him so deeply really was good for me.  I should have been more cautious.

Purpose of my Blog

Please listen to several of my YouTube videos on how I have decided to blog and then you will understand the context of what this blog is for.

www.YouTube.com/flyingcharm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIF_wxXgtzg

There are like six versions of why I do a blog.  i was not satisfied with the lighting in some of them but all the content is relevant.
https://www.youtube.com/user/flyingcharm/videos?view_as=subscriber

Another version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kvJUkvT1L8

Full circle

No empty words, 
no white lies, 
no joking friends,
no compromise.

-Keith Green

Well, this has been a crazy day.  I got a call from a police dept. on a follow up report that was made in early Dec.  I didn't take any further action between then and now so I was confused.  I thought maybe my editorial in the Superior Telegram may have created a public relations crisis within the Police Dept,   I will find out Tuesday.

I came to some realizations today and since my blog is getting 200-300 hits a day, I need to clarify a few positions.

1.  When I am presenting a story in the category of novel writing, I am molding and presenting the characters based on real life but some of their characteristics and descriptions may change to the overall theme I am projecting to my novel.  I am not planning to publish many more entries on the novel because it is coming out for publication by the end of March or early April.
2.  When I blog about heartfelt pain about a certain relationship ending, it may be just that.  However, I am holding back somewhat because of the high viewership these days.
3.  I have used this blog in the past to work through issues with those I have conflict with but it also to expose my political writings, former articles in Duluth Reader and to promote my radio show.  This is a promotional tool not just a gutt spilling venture.

I talked to a former friend/lover today and in some ways, it felt normal.  I think by not talking to him much since 1/9/2019 it has caused an emotional strain on me but the time and distance has allowed me to reflect and understand our differences.  I made two mistakes in the "relationship" or "Liaison"
Although I did not ask him for much or demand much, my biggest problem with him is non planning and dishonesty.  I think toward the end, he was trying to tell me the truth through clues and now that I look back and read texts or reflect on things he said, he was trying to tell me their was another woman present in his life.

I don't think he had the full capability of telling me the truth.  Although, toward the end he kept emphasizing the word friend, we were still full fledged lovers through January 2nd when he said something to me very insulting after lovemaking and I transitioned our relationship as cuddle buddies.  We never got to experience that because I discovered the other woman there on Jan. 9th and things pretty much unraveled since then.

However, after reviewing the texts, we were pretty close comrades.  We text each other 4-10 times a day, even more so when I was in California from Dec. 24 to 31st.   So, it's weird going from fantastic lovers, to questioning partners to nothing.

All this time my love intensified and receded but the overall caring factor has not fully diminished.  There are days when I am very angry and hurt for his lies and there are other days when images and memories creep in.  When I talked to him today, even though it was business, I was reminded on how good our communication was at times and that at times, he was trustworthy and acceptable.  That is why I am entering a confession plea that I was too critical of him during the darkest days.  It does make me feel, however, that I could not alone meet his needs nor anyone else single-handedly.

I could never be the kind of person to "leave things hanging" or to cut my phone off from someone I cared about.  I could not be that cruel.  I would find the need to explain myself even if I did not want to continue the relationship.  I am signing off now because I just worked one hour on a political editorial for another newspaper and I am tired.

The old neighborhood

The neighborhood still looks the same
adjacent to the block of understanding
4 blocks down from Pizza Man
now just a corner between destiny & restraint

The pentagon shaped houses
the way the snowbanks overtook reason
the slippery alley
The brick church that swallowed up confessions

He lay there still between the sheets
and the play button
underneath, the buried jonquils
and crumbled sunflowers
damp and frozen in the ageless lives
bearing shelter

to the wounds that lay before them
Her tears flowed
and now there just is the
echoes of laughter and hollow memories
of a prolonged one night stand
the roses that lay dead like petals
on the ever changing white lawn

her last claims bypassed from a dead ringtone
the scraping snow plow
the death through shadows
melted under the lights of Keyport
as she doubled another twenty.

MM7272

Jesus is the Bridge in life

What is the oblivious price of your fabled promises?
Sitting in a hotel room til your cup is dry
You never tapped in to the chalice of communion
for the one who hung on a cross and died
You had two women who willing to heal you
Mary, the mother, and Magdalene
But you pissed your money on a nameless hotel room
trying to forget how you lost your dream
One brother died, more to follow
the extent of man's cruelty is not easily explained
You can't blame Jesus for what men have created
whether in the name of God or what put you to shame.
All we can do is make a difference
Open the dark door that has closed our hearts
Releasing the bondage of earthly damage
Loving our neighbor, redeeming our lives.

jdh
05.22.12