Thoughts

I've been working non stop.  Going back to Colorado in June for a week.  School is taxing.  I work 4.5 hours a day now.  I have to change pullups/diapoers for 5 and 7 year old.  I also have to shower a 60 year old every other day at group home on the weeks I work my 7 day on shifts.  He is paralyzed on one side and he has bathroom issues, too, if you know what I mean.  

I have been thinking a lot but not blogging a lot.  My novel entails my life from age 12 or so to present day so it won't be completed til the summer.  It's a biographical novel and all the names will be changed.

Colorado Mike and I have experienced growth in our relationship.  I will go out there 2x this summer and he will come once.  I don't want to leave Twin Ports until my son is on his feet.   I am pursuing a higher academic job in the Fall.  I want to use my teaching license.

My son got a job now so I don't have to worry so much.  I am keeping up with my bills and life is better.

The only thing that haunts me about MM is the non conclusiveness of the ending.  He expected me to sit on the sidelines until he was tired of Amy and then just sleep with me when either of us was available.  He also did not want me to blog. I told him I could not accept that.  Deeper than that, MM could not see what each individual woman had to offer him.  I was there for him.  I was there when he needed me.  He didn't conceive what I may have needed from him.  I had to keep minimizing my expectations because of his waffling and indecisiveness.  I know in my heart he was truly living for the moment, What he wanted from that day was what he pursued.  He will probably never evolve to a 12 step meeting or AA or look at his behavior.  He wanted a woman accessible for his 24 needs but because he was splitting his time between 2 women - a mother figure, Amy, and a lover (me).  He was juggling whatever situation arose.  I do feel bad that a true person could have helped him perceive certain things about his past that were driving his current behavior but a part of him didn't really care.  I know he personified the victim in each heterosexual relationship he had.  I know Amy did a lot for him including caring and attending to his ex drugee girlfriend.  Amy is gone now, too.  I pray for him.  I am sorry how things got so complicated and painful.  Time may heal us all.

If there is an overt or covert message, it is that people intend to love honestly with the utmost sincerity.  I can say that for myself.  I was attached to MM, I miss him. I am sorry but I feel his emotional bondage prevented him from fully giving and receiving love at face value.  I don't know if loving him so deeply really was good for me.  I should have been more cautious.