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Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Is indifference a synonym for hate?

I wrote this blog below seven years ago.  Luckily I was able to forget it the constructs of what caused it.Until recently, when another problem sprung up between me and my twin sister and the same person who seemed to be unaware people had other commitments.
The person this blog was about was only able to acknowledge one line in the blog--the line about the red necklace.  None of the rest of the passage was relevant to her because she either read it and agreed with it or read it and ignored it.  She also failed to respond directly to me at the Time I wrote it which would have been the appropriate avenue.

On July 21, My Twin sister was supposed to come to the 1978 Class reunion by 5 or 6 p.m. She was much later than that and people began asking me where she was.  I lost my phone outside and found it later on top of my car untouched.  I wasn't angry at WHERE she was but the fact that she flew home for the reunion and bailed.  I am forced to answer because she is my twin.  People who cared about my sister wanted to know her whereabouts.  My sister keeps mixing it up with the fact she was spending time with someone who never or rarely considers my feelings and thinks by sending a Christmas card once a year it is some grand overture to keep things at peace. Duh, I am not blind to people who have to lie and their explanations are weak.  I don't want phony excuses from anyone.  I don't even want visitors for the next 24 months.  I am going to either Milwaukee or London for a year.  People who keep bullshitting in life only end up fooling themselves.  Since my sister wants to be a missionary, why would she want to hang out with full fledged alcoholics anyway?  I'm not the one who said it.  The Bible says we are supposed to be around like minded people. Not people who brush us off and then make 30 minutes for us at the end of the trip.  My sister says it happens almost every trip but she still has some weird loyalty to this person. Drinking does impair the mind so maybe I should have some empathy.

If people are genuine and honest, I have no problem overlooking their shortcomings.  But please don't hide and pretend everything is just fine.  People of white privilege who live in fish bowls don't have to throw out crumbs. Crumbs are not acceptable.  If I have any hostility, it's because of all the times you were inconsiderate and rude.  You earned this title, not my response to it.  Don't stalk my page.  Look in the mirror and face your shortcomings.


I feel a sort of new freedom from someone who probably has not approved of me since the 11th grade when I began hanging around the running crowd. And were we ever really alike? I endured suffering these past few years by keeping the friendship intact. It was something you instinctively know without ever fully acknowledging it. For someone who has never take more than one emotional risk in her life and has personal/financial security that will never be in jeopardy, I can honestly say she will never have walked in my shoes. By having more money now, I don't have to be desparate. I don't need to cling to people who were never there for me to begin with and if they were, are long past those times. What is the face of the true Christian friend? Who can share and endure your struggles. This friend of mine has been closed off for years and her interests are more limited than jobs on Craig's list. I am not numb, I am no longer in pain. I am just free to love myself and not feel bad for her not caring about me. She was a good friend during the death of my daughter and resurrection of me. But I have to say, that knowing someone and caring about someone are two different things. I have known her for years, but she is not a reciprocal friend When exchanges are in essence a struggle and you feel wary of even communication it is time to bail. I won't get a tangible rebate for all the effort I have put into it. My son probably won't even get a high school graduation present. But a part of me is pissed off. The human side of me wants a rebate. Send me back that red heart necklace I sent you for graduation. You were phony to take it. Maybe the final payback will be her realizing that friendship takes effort and honesty, not just pre made responses you invented at the time of dialogue. I hope some day, my friend, you can crawl out that shell you invented for yourself 30 years ago and take a risk to understand true communication and the pain you have caused. Sianara.

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