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Tuesday, April 19, 2011


I feel a sort of new freedom from someone who probably has not approved of me since the 11th grade when I began hanging around the running crowd. And were we ever really alike? I endured suffering these past few years by keeping the friendship intact. It was something you instinctively know without ever fully acknowledging it. For someone who has never take more than one emotional risk in her life and has personal/financial security that will never be in jeopardy, I can honestly say she will never have walked in my shoes. By having more money now, I don't have to be desparate. I don't need to cling to people who were never there for me to begin with and if they were, are long past those times. What is the face of the true Christian friend? Who can share and endure your struggles. This friend of mine has been closed off for years and her interests are more limited than jobs on Craig's list. I am not numb, I am no longer in pain. I am just free to love myself and not feel bad for her not caring about me. She was a good friend during the death of my daughter and resurrection of me. But I have to say, that knowing someone and caring about someone are two different things. I have known her for years, but she is not a reciprocal friend When exchanges are in essence a struggle and you feel wary of even communication it is time to bail. I won't get a tangible rebate for all the effort I have put into it. My son probably won't even get a high school graduation present. But a part of me is pissed off. The human side of me wants a rebate. Send me back that red heart necklace I sent you for graduation. You were phony to take it. Maybe the final payback will be her realizing that friendship takes effort and honesty, not just pre made responses you invented at the time of dialogue. I hope some day, my friend, you can crawl out that shell you invented for yourself 30 years ago and take a risk to understand true communication and the pain you have caused. Sianara.

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