This is an email between me and a childhood friend written in July, 2010. I have now forgiven her and I want to premise this email by saying that. But unfortunately my blog has stalkers who don't empathize with me, there are people from my place of origin who just stalk this page for gossip not the message. So listen up, its not your pain, its my pain. If you want to share in this experience, than open your heart fully and you will understand the experience called life.
|Regarding the last phone conversation, I still do not think you understand why I took such a strong stance over our last and final disagreement. When you told me you would not add me as a FB friend because you didn't want me to have access to your comedian friends I didn't know if I should laugh or shrug it off. I "didn't blow" it in what you meant by sabotaging the fragile on again off again friendship. I frankly told you that it was unacceptable. I didn't want to be in the same category of one or your subtle putdowns or misconsttrued overtures of thinking you are socially superior than me when I live right here near the Entertainment Capitol of the World and have celebrity friends. But the real point was, I didn't want to be compared again to what you think you have vs. what I don't. Since before my divorce with Craig, you have made judgments on me. The mistakes I made in my youth were much more severe than latter years. My last major mistake in 1999 was the gambling incident in Vegas. The reason we should not be friends is not because of lack of trust, but becuz you kept putting judgment on me and dragging me thru the mud becuz of your judgment. I am not close to your family, but imagine if everytime you did something I didn't approve of, I'd run to Rocio or Hazel? It just became too much of a burden for me to feel like my life is your yardstick that you could imply judgment every time you disapproved. I have been working 2 jobs since 2000 and going to school. You somehow seem to have time to lay remote judgment on other people but never yourself. Who have you to account for for weighing 300 lbs? What if people imposed judgment on you like you do on them? I chose to sever the friendship or whatever it was (after the Al Franken campaign) because I felt like I was living in your King Henry style grace and one day the ax would fall again. Because I wrote a harsh email back you wrote to Joan "Keep your sister away from me." I never asked anything from you and for that matter, besides a lending ear during the Franken campaign, you had not that much too offer. I got tired of your superiority trip. When you kept undermining me to my family, I decided to give you a reason to hate me which you have been doing subversively for years. I decided to complain to someone else about you just like you have to others about me. It doesn't feel good, does it? to know someone is dissing you behind your back. And for what reason? Am I a threat to you because I have a child? I can't imagine what else from my life you have to take issue with. I like you think you did, tried to be your friend. But like the group you belong to on facebook "People think I am funny when I am mean"....Its true. I am just another Dar** that never could live up to your expectations. I can't figure out if you are angry at me for slamming the door or you just stubbing your toe on my way out. The main purpose of this email is to tell you you did cause me damage and I believe you still want to cause me damage. It doesnt matter how good a job I get (I am working for a large academic agency now) or if I am able to forgive you, you choose to resent and dislike people because you think that display of objection is attractive and fascinating to people just like your disagreement with Jamie O.. You publically stated he boycotted your magazine when all he did is pull advertising. Then you alllowed other people to mock him on your wall when you call yourself a professional. I know Jamie thru Ken I would like to say I would like to forget about you but we have at least 20 mutual FB friends so I am stuck being reminded by you everyday. As unredeemable as you think I am, I think that more of you in mortal terms. In religious terms, I think you have the capacity to be kind to a level of genuine concern. In spiritual terms, I think your only sword is your tongue and you have used it for intellectual intent and puffing up for years both good and bad but also to harm. You never forgive, you never change you opinion, you pigeonhole people and you award little redemption. Redemption can only come from God or from within, not by how many friends you think you have. So start fixing your own life and stop picking on others and dragging them down. You have caused me grief I, like others, have tried to improve my life by stopping sinning and obeying God. If you can't "recognize" then at least cast your doubts somewhere else because I and others are sick of your hater attitude. Jane Hoffman|