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Monday, May 21, 2018

It doesn't seem worth it

I don't know why but the stresses of my life keep piling up and I am losing faith in the outcome.  My tax refund is 2 weeks late.  It has been 4 weeks and 1 day since I filed the state taxes.  Feds were done expeditiously.  A staff hit my car at work on May 5th and due to a number of delays including abrasive decision making by management, my car is still not fixed after 17 days and I am still waiting on the insurance company my company contracts with to make the initial call about the situation.  I have voiced my concerns and complaints and by having an area of concern about my electrical system on my car. It delayed the process further.  People say to let go, let God.  I come from a family stock in which one tries to solve their own problems first. 

These two major issues, coupled with other things that seem out of control, make me take a wild spin over the weekend and cut loose between a 24 hr shift and an 8 hour shift.  I did not have the room or energy for such impulsive decisions but I did so anyway.  I was anonymous, contentious and irresponsible.  I did not drink, I engaged in another outlet. 

Pretty soon my school job will be over for the summer and I can fully relax.  I work 12 hour overnight job and then get 2 hours off before I have to be at the school.  That includes two 10 mile drives and a bath/shower.  

I also had a recent strain with an ex boyfriend whom I am now friends with again.  In many ways, we never ironed out of problems in the past.  I let him off the hook too easy.  In a recent conflict, I was suspicious of his recent activity.  He recently quit a job where he worked with my son and I think he is back with a woman who was very taxing on him.  I don't mind but he feels the need to lie to me about it.  I really cannot tell, but I know I don't feel comfortable pressing him for the truth.  I was going to write him another goodbye letter tonight and I still may.   On a good note, I can trust the people in my Gambler anonymous group for support.

I don't want to be dependent on money, present or future.  I want to be fully self sustaining on my paychecks alone.  All 4 now.

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