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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Some resolution, more anxiety though--how can I fix my life?

My heart is crushed and aching with commitment.  I feel alone in Duluth except when I am in my gambling treatment.  I have developed an anxiety disorder.  Just when I think my life out of peril...I have more anxiety to the point where I feel like I need a PRN, a med for anxiety that's needed on the spot.  I guess that is a learned behavior as I have witnessed it at work.  I can only juggle so many things and I usually do so quite magnificently but when it piles up to maybe handling 4-5 major life events at once, then it gets to be too much.  In the last week I had to deal with my son having a meltdown on I-35 because he did not want to go to Minneapolis, We spent 45 minutes in Mpls after driving 2.5 hours through a country Road, route 23 from West Duluth to Sandstone then down to the Cities.  He threw two tantrums when he finally realized where he was going.  He was in a great, jovial mood until that moment of truth when he realized that he had lost of the battle of going to the Cities.  Its funny how a personality suddenly changes, especially the life of a spoiled, teenage boy.  He stammered, hit head agst. the dashboard, cried incessantly.  It gets old before it even starts. Its not easy being a parent of an autistic child.  We ended up staying at his grandmother's house 45 minutes.  A 2.5 hour drive for 45 minutes.  Wow.  Even my free time that is supposed to be enjoyed becomes a crsis because of the selfish needs of a person who can't see past his nose.  He can't see the big picture.  He can't see it.  He only knows his molecular world of Xbox and his two nuclear friends.  My anger is sprouting like a socket or perhaps a rocket of frustrations in which I can't cope.  I have found impossible to cope in this arctic hinterland of frozen prospects.  I feel better now that I listened to "Mary, did you know?" with Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd.  Anyhoo, I had to deal with that, work 154 hours in 11 days not even counting my second job which was around 26 hours in the last week.  I also had to suffer a severance with a Radio network i had been with for 3.5 years without notice.  I am making due.  Starting May 10th, Jon and I will have full premium service for our radio network and we can expand and do a one hour show.  I also face a bigger trial on May 14 in which I do not know the outcome.  Only time will tell, and mastering my daily problems will serve as a reminder that my life is not fully in my hands.  Here is a poem I want to express...its off the cuff of my mind....

Corporate boardrooms and master plans
don't solve
the strife within me
I am a lonesome dove on a billboard
free falling into captivity
doom is at the bottom 
ascendance on top
prey captive to my heart
built to break in scattered pieces
those things I hold sacred
are gone from me
Christ is at sea
I swim to find him but
my fins are heavy and weighty
rubber pulling me down
to ancient footsteps
there is no one to rescue me
I drown.

jdh 4.30.14

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