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Sunday, May 6, 2012

When love goes wrong and a person reacts wrong.

Subject: Hate (Excerpt from Emotions Anonymous email)

Yes, it's true that some people really do have mental illnesses that are largely biochemical imbalances and not a matter of will power and/or of character.  It is also true, however, that these people can be invalidated in many ways.  They can be more vulnerable than most and they can be abused. For example, when they are abusive and "hatefull" themselves, they are often attempting to fight back to people who in reality were the ones who were hateful first. Sometimes socially insecure people can be good mimics.  Since they are often unsure of the right way to behave, sometimes they just  do what everyone around them appears to be doing, acting really cruel, mindless, pointless, stubborn and ugly. When they attempt to stick up for themselves, people may taunt them further, and say "you are mentally ill, nothing you say is valid".  Some mental illnesses are strictly about imbalance, others are a result of stress/trauma/prolonged and severe abuse and some are a combination of things.  Unfortunately, some people
think the way to correct those who are suffering is by shaming them, invalidating them, neglecting and humiliating them.  This is not the way to go and reflects a different kind of illness, an illness of character as far as I am concerned, it is a spiritual illness called cruelty.

In the last few days, my emotional doubts have led me on a path to condemn James.  I had picked over his every flaw, subconsciously decided he was worthless, attempted to terminate the relationship for the 5-6th time...which is probably the one good thing that came out of it.  But alienating him is going to force him to be less desiring to spend time with me and if I decide I need him (which I really don't) then it will be harder to fix things between us.  Its hard when people feel indignant to not attack the other person in a righteous venue. I want to confront him with his improprieties. The fact is, he responded to most of my attacks.  I think he is trying hard not to say "fuck off."  So I am backing off for awhile because in the end, I am not going to get what I want.  He is not going to love or marry me.  He is the one who has been living on a low level turnstyle, subjugating his highest convictions in turn for some good sex.  At a given point of time, he felt guilty for sex.  Not for the right reasons but because he probably doesn't love me.  He did hurt me and he is accountable.  My Jihad Jane side wants to punish him.  There will be some form of consequences even if i do nothing.  Think slowly about that.  There will be natural consequences because at some point in time he has to recognize he has behaviors that are unrighteous.  I will not allow him the chance to be with me alone again.  If he attempts to come over or make amends, I will make sure there is a person of faith here to hear it out.  

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