Saturday, January 21, 2012
Its unnatural when you love someone to hold back. I had to put distance between a certain situation for both myself and my boy-friend. He is really not really a boy-friend anymore, becuz we have no framed out future. He is my friend, like family, who I hang out with but will no longer make a commitment. I will not go out of my way for him or do extra things which I can't mention that I used to. The Chips were laid on the table Monday and it was over an acute misunderstanding that he could have rectified with a further explanation. I take the blame for emotionally overreacting. We have such good times together that the thought of having to define our relationship is a burden. But, I like him, am a persistent, analytical person and when we go thru certain milestones, things must be sorted out and redefined.
I am weary today, weary to even think about what my next step must be. I am graduating in 1 or 2 weeks and then must shift my life. I want Jay to be a part of my life, he is a devoted friend. But I can't allow myself to be smitten with him anymore. I have to see him for who he is and what he represents. So I will list the following qualities about him that I perceive to be troubled areas.
1. He says he can't fall in love but has 5 Russian dating Websites where his photo and bio are posted and he checks every night.
2. He says he can't let his roommates know about me b/c he is Muslim and if they knew he was breaching Allah's word, it would be a bad example. I am his taboo woman.
3. The idea that he wants to come here and have his way for me and not allow me near his friends is consequential for 2 reasons: If he got in a life threatening accident, I would never hear about it because our only 2 mutual friends live out of state and his roommates could not call me b/c they don't know I exist.
4. If I am the taboo woman, I will never be the one at the altar.
5. I am flawed with generosity, a kind I never had before. I am generally quite cheap and don't toss around change for just anybody.
Other than that, we get along very well in every aspect and because of that, it is natural to fall in love and unnatural for him to be calculating about it.
Which leads me to ethnic stereotypes. People say Russians are calculating and look out for themselves. I would appreciate a comment on this one to verify that I have some accuracy in my statements.