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Monday, March 14, 2011

The Writer's Social Handicap of Observation

weakness- the condition where someone becomes vulnerable and cannot overcome their fears, obstacles they must face and perceptions that prevent them from accomplishing something, mainly their overall goals. The result: a lesser form of who they intended to be.

I feel a bit vulnerable in some of my recent Facebook connections. After many years, like around 15 years , I found Rene Carmen H****s and in the back of her mind, is she thinking that I am still thinking about him. Yes, we both shared a man once but only briefly simultaneously. The fact that he lied about the true nature of the seriousness of his marriage, his sterility vs. potency, and where his mind was at in general, drove the situation to a level where I became pregnant due to his lies. Yes, he was married and what could I really do about it? He tricked me. I lost the baby girl at 26 weeks, it was considered a stillborn by Illinois weight standards, the child weighed over 1 lb. I believe she was 1 lb and six ounces. I also lost her during a natural disaster, during a flood when the hospital equipment was down. I lived in a strange city where i didn't know a lot of people. It was a tough situation. It also was not an unwanted pregnancy but an unplanned pregnancy. I named the child Serenity Jade. She was born 9/26/86. I loved the father and of all the relationships I had, it was the longest lasting intimate relationship of my life. I had more physical love for him than any other man. But he was shallow. He was 23 when I met him and I was 25. Even though he lied and I trusted him, I was careless and he impregnated me twice. The first time I was in another relationship and I thought the other guy got me pregnant, but when I look back, I think it was James. We saw eachother on and off for 2 years. It was a tragic situation in more ways than one. I befriended his wife during the pregnancy. She said he only paid rent once or twice in two years. He was a blank up. Out of it came a strong female friendship.

(I want to preface this section that I have been haunted lately by memories of Craig. Searching visually for members of his family has been a mixed experience).

I also found Craig's new wife this week online and she names the Lord in all her daily actions. That's cool but it gets to a point that she has to cite God like a thesauras reference every time she makes a move. People like that even have something to prove or they are obsessed in witnessing, thinking their actions cannot shed light on who they are. Let God take control and allow those who need him to see for themselves. I feel like she is excessive and comes from a place of former depravity to force religion on others. She also told me once over the phone she was trying to persuade Craig to become a Republican...mainly over the abortion issue. Two of her daughters had three illegitimate kids btwn them at young ages and now my ex husband is responsible for footing the bills for the extended family. I don't dislike C's new wife. I think it would be just hard to live with someone who is a Bible thumper in a dogmatic way rather than a spiritually enlightened way
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I called Ing** on Sunday and of course, she didn't answer her phone. We had a mini falling out about 1.5 months ago. She has to manage her ex, Joe, because he can't manage himself and he is a mother blanking asshOle. Its because he comes from a spiritual place but never was able to find the true source of enlightenment except Indian folklore innuendos that translate into rejection of the world. Which is fine with me b/c I don't follow status quo. You can already find out information about Joe on. I haven't felt comfortable with my slightly damaged relationship with Ing** since she falsely trampled on my quasi carpet and made me feel like I violated Joe. There are deeper aspects to what Joe and I have experienced that I cannot overtly explain to her. I don't love him. He was reckless from the day I met him. He had Native American values regarding sexuality which did not coincide with my Christian values. He was reckless and unpredictable like Charlie Sheen at his highest drug filled moment. He actually almost ruined my first production of "Father, Save Your Skin." He walked out less than a week before opening night. We remained friends for years. Ingr** who is highly intelligent and insightful has major mental blocks when dealing with people who know Joe. She is the mother of his child so has to keep a hedge of protection over his battered reputation. If this blog hurts anyone, I cannot help it. Joe has hurt me to and all those around him who network in other spider web relationships. Joe is a one man scud missle. Angry while sober, devastating and destructive, he destroys all around him in his convictions and his shortcomings. He once knew Angelina Jolie. Whatever raggedy Hollywood ties he has left, it will be subverted by his false intentions of self presevation.

I also met up with 2 former nieces of Craig, and I will save that for tomorrow.

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