My most recent liaison January 9, 2019 to August 29, 2020

A few weeks ago, I sat down on a Saturday morning and wrote one of the most real letters of my life to Michael in Colorado.  It was a position piece on abortion and single parenthood.  The person I had been dating is very narrow minded in many ways, and thinks abortion is simply wrong - outright - even though he has never been a woman or possibly in a situation in which he had to make a hard choice to keep or end or a life which might be contingent on a partner or an abandoned partner.  I met a woman in Pizza man who had 7 kids by the age of 23 and had custody of none.  Her whole life was a battery of bad choices and she had not fully come out of it.  It appeared to me she lived in the moment as she kept borrowing $5, $10 and more money from her middle aged neighbor who was some kind of father figure.  She told me she lost her 7th child to the sytem because her boyfriend was abusive and the County did not trust him in the child's life.  I didn't know the full story but I observed her and she kept checking her phone every 3 min as she continued on.

Things have been solid with CM but I raised the stakes Saturday by asking him a question.  He is a very consistent boy friend (undefined relationship), showers me with attention, answers quickly, rarely lets me down.  But he does have an aura of anger that is like a well, when his anger springs up - he becomes pretty ugly.  He is very narrow minded and sometimes wants me to instantly agree with him but I have managed to open his mind to other points of views and belief systems whether political or religious.   At times, he has gotten me so upset that I just go numb and I have no way out of the pain.  I have tried direct resolution as a tool to fixing things because if I don't conftont him, the feeling inside me gets worse.

I am just going to interject at this point that sometimes he says very non rational concrete political statements that are unbending.  I sometimes go along with the conversation and can't raise objections to every point he makes because he can't handle it.  He makes blanket statements about things being right or wrong and he lives in a world that does not exist.

When I was out there in June, I told him I might drive to Laramie, Wyoming for the day.  He told me to google historic sites (even though he doesn't know how).  He also asked me to google search if the Greeley Stampede was cancelled due to Covid.  the next morning, I text him -- he was at work.  He got mad at me for forgetting exactly which thing I was going to look up.

There were 2 to 3 things he said absently w/o thinking that crushed my soul.  It gave me insight to his entire being.  I don't believe he can ever be successful at true love due to his disposition and outlook.

He has lived in spiritual darkness for many years, in a box he couldn't get out of.  His debt was high and he thought by solving it was to work 7 days a week, about 11-13 hours a day.  And that's just fine because I do the same thing.  He wanted me to pierce my nipple but why would I do that in my late 50s for a guy I only see once or twice a year?  Mentally he is about 13, intellectually about 25 and really, the only thing I ever liked about him was his looks.  He was kind and consistent but that may have only been a security blanket for him, not me.  Now we have both lost each other due to doubts, for now.